Denial is the failure to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion into our consciousness and
use it as a defense mechanism. Denial is debilitating. It steals our peace, takes away our joy,
holds us captive. I never knew the depth of my denial and the pain I was prisoner to until I made
the choice to face my fear. A LONG-held fear of needles.
It was 1986. I had a 3-year-old ingrown toenail in my right big toe. It was red, swollen, and
infected. I would bump it, stub it, people would step on it; didn’t matter, I felt NO pain. Or at
least that is what I said to convince myself. I suffered in silence.
I worked at the hospital so help was right downstairs, yet I let my fear of needles convince me
that I could heal this on my own. I did not need their help. I tried all kinds of remedies, and this
was before the Internet, so you can imagine what I put myself through.
One night I walked through the neighborhood with an older neighbor; an avid walker. I managed
to keep up, but when I got home and took off my socks and shoes, my second and third toe on
my right foot were now swollen and looked infected.
My family, friends, and co-workers ganged up on me. They prayed for my toe situation (or
maybe my hard head) at a Wednesday night prayer meeting. They convinced me to go to the
emergency room before work. My mom told me they would simply give me medicine to heal the
infection. She promised me they would not stick a needle in my foot – one of my biggest fears.
I had to admit I was quite scared. Yet I relented and sought medical attention that Friday before
work. Within 3 minutes of being seen by the doctor, he showed me not one, but T.H.R.E.E.
places he was going to stick a needle in my foot.
I told him, “But my momma said you would just give me medicine for the infection.” He smiled.
I tried again, “Look, I need to get upstairs to work. I’m off on Monday. How about I come back
then?”
He said, “You will be fine by Monday. You’re not going anywhere.”
He was right. I was fine by Monday. Actually, my foot felt fine within minutes of him removing
my toenails.
I could have run from my fear of needles once again. Yet, that day I chose to face my fear of that
silly, little needle and felt the benefit immediately. I had no idea that I was so numb to the pain I
felt, until the pain was gone.
The doctor removed half of the toenail on three toes. On my big toe, even though he only cut out
half of my toenail, what he removed was equal to the size of my full toenail. I had another half
toenail embedded in the side my big toe.
“How did you stand the pain?” the doctor asked.
“I convinced myself it didn’t hurt,” I replied.
I have lived in denial about a lot of things in my life, not just needles. Many times, I have
convinced myself it doesn’t hurt. You can fill in the blank for whatever it is in your life.
When I am honest about denial in any area of my life, here is what helps me change:
- Admit that I am in pain and suffering in silence.
- Seek accountability and tell someone of my struggle; either a therapist, a strong
accountability partner, or a safe recovery group where I am free to share without being
judged. - Put that help into action by replacing my bad habit with new and better habits.
We all need people in our life who understand our struggles, don’t judge us, and don’t try to fix
us. We need people who are willing to hold us accountable and walk with us as we make
changes in our life. We need people who will gently call us out when they see us making bad
choices. Do you have people that do that for you in your life?
